Let Me See Redemption Win

"I'm tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
 
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
 
My prayers are wearing thin
Ya I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Ya I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption wins
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Ya I'm worn

[Worn- Tenth Avenue North]

growing apples

I'm thinking of change and what motivates us.  I have been talking to our 10 year old daughter about friendship and manners.  When people talk to her or ask her a question, she should answer them.  Be friendly and engage in conversation.  It's like throwing a ball, I'll say.  She says something to them- that's throwing the ball.  They respond- that's them throwing the ball back. And on it goes in a conversation.  She'll do what I ask, usually, when I am watching her.  But the other day I asked, do you "throw the ball" when I'm not around?  

Here's the thing, and maybe it's harder for me than for you.  I'm of the personality type that looks for results.  I tend to focus on the outside.  When I think of needing to change myself, my tendency is to start with what I can do. I make the list.  Set a goal.  Do things that will help me.  A new habit. New effort. New challenge.  And all of that can be good and helpful.  But it can really fall flat.  What if it's not about me and my efforts?  

You see, my daughter can do what I've asked because I've pounded into her the demand she should do x,y,z. But how much better when I see it's her desire to be a friendly, kind girl and smile and talk with others? When genuine love for others is motivating her.  I read a great illustration (from here) this week and I keep thinking of it...

"Fruit is born from the inside -- not applied to the outside.

Imagine that the fruit you desired was the edible variety, so you went out into your yard and planted an apple tree. Just suppose that one day, while you were waiting for the apples to begin growing on your tree, you caught a glimpse of a neighbor's apple tree. You noticed in admiration that its branches were laden with big, luscious apples. What would you do? Would you run to the produce market to buy some apples, then go home, and in the dead of night, tie them onto your tree? If you did, the sight of your tree might really impress your neighbors. But that is not what you would do. You would likely go to the neighbor and ask how he cared for and fertilized his tree to produce such fruit. It is the same with our children - luscious fruit will be born from what we put into them - not from what we tie onto them. As a matter of fact, in no time, the fruit that we put onto our children will rot and fall off."

There's a better way than tying fruit onto myself or my children.  I want to grow real fruit and that's only going to happen if I'm connected to Christ.  I need His work in me.  I'm opening myself to Him and asking Him to change me from the inside instead of getting tripped up by the temptation to focus on the outward form.  Christ resides in me and will infuse life in me. That's when good, sweet fruit will come.   

 

No Filter

I was reading today a "who am I" sort of bio that someone had written on a social media site.  I run across them often. 

The interesting part to me is how we pick and choose what we want people to know about us.  We filter the information.  We summarize ourselves in a paragraph.  Lots of things don't make the cut.  Omit that.  Leave out this.  Don't want people to know this.  Do want them to know this.  Definitely that.  That's such a great thing about me.  Filtering. 

Not that there's anything wrong with this. 

If we're going to write a bio it's just a snippet of our life.  A glimpse.  What is interesting to me is the glimpse we let people see. 

I suppose most people only see a glimpse of me.  And they come to their conclusions.  Maybe correct.  Maybe incorrect.  Someone told me recently that my husband has a certain quality and I thought, really?! 

Perceptions.  Realities. 

The presentation of ourselves.  Maybe inflated.  Maybe minimized.  Maybe creative license added. 

I'm a late joiner to Instagram and I like the "no filter" pictures.  No enhancement just pictures in their raw form.  I like taking pictures of beautiful things.  Days pass fast and taking photos is a good way for me to slow down and see the beauty around me in my everyday life.  It's everywhere and if we're looking for it, we'll see it.  It's good for my perspective.  It's good to look for the good.  But the un-photographed messes are there.  I guess I just don't want a folder of documented ugliness to look back on. 

Just like all the things people edit out of their bios and facts about me sections.  This is what I will show you.  Tell you.  This is the image I am presenting.

We celebrate the good things.  Crop out the bad.  But who do we share our un-edited version of our real life with? 

Are we sharing?  Who do we tell the unspoken things? 

This is where life become lovely.  Sharing life, all the pretty and not so pretty parts of us.  The real story. 

I'm so glad to be living the unedited version of my life.  My husband is there for the picture moments I delete.  He knows the things about me that will never make it into a public bio. 

And, here's the great part, he loves me anyways.  Not a perfect, fantasy woman but imperfect me.  Me.  With no filter.  In my very unflattering moments. 

This is where it's at.  Real life relationships.  

Check-in: Clothing Fast

If you are curious about my year long fast from buying new clothes, it's almost over!  [The finish line is my birthday- August 14.]  

Though my husband said the other day that I'm not really on a fast anymore. You might not know it but I'm still on it.  I haven't done so well since my last update [Valentine's Day].  During the first 6 months I did well and only bought 2 items.  

Since February, I've bought the following:

1. cardigan
2. cream sweater
3. gray/black casual top 
4. jean capris
5. polka dot dress top
6. dress
7. black maxi skirt
8. gray t-shirt
9. white t-shirt
10. tank top
11. tank top

If I can make it three more weeks without buying anything I will have bought 13 new clothing items in a year.  If full disclosure is helpful, I bought a swimsuit too.  The 4th of July weekend we were in the Wisconsin Dells and I nearly had a wardrobe malfunction.  True story.  If you've got a suit that is becoming more sheer and losing a bit of elasticity, take it from me, it's time to get a new one. 

ten on ten: July

finding much life and beauty among the ordinary things of our day 

Linking up with 

spinning ballerina

"Make Me your focal point as you move through this day.  Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to Me.  Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you.  The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes.  If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused.  Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure."  [from Jesus Calling]

the young couple in the Jeep

Sitting at the stoplight, I looked out my window and saw a black Jeep Cherokee pull up alongside us. A Jeep just like we had over a decade ago...with a [very] young couple riding in it.  That WAS us.  

Here we are now with 3 kiddos in the back seat and we're not 20 anymore.    Was this what I pictured 15 years ago?  Something like this.  Maybe I thought I'd have things figured out by now.  

Last week we celebrated 15 years of marriage.  Just beginning, really, compared to some friends of ours who share the same anniversary and were celebrating 43 years.  They are in the pro-category.  
This is what I know...I don't really know much.  This marriage gig has proved to be one of the most difficult endeavors we've signed up for.  If it wasn't for God's GRACE I don't even know if we'd still be together.  Two imperfect people...who mess things up, love imperfectly and act in selfish ways.

There have been some battles to fight.  I'm so glad we fought.  There have been unhappy days.  I'm glad we hung in there.  And there have been joys, wonderful adventures, and blue sky days...I'm delighted to have shared with my guy.  

We celebrate what God has done.  In spite of our shortcomings...He has been so good to us.  

He's making something beautiful.  I'm so happy to be a part of it.  Tonight, I'm thankful to fall asleep by my best friend and husband.  

the [unforgettable] birthday

Woot.  Woot.  We've got a 3 year old in the house.  

I love this girl.  In typical fashion she is full of sweet, sass, and surprises.  She loves to talk!  Often in and out of reality and her imaginary world.  She came to the dinner table the other night with her shirt pulled up over her hair because she was "Princess Celestia".  For her birthday she said she wanted her friend "Sally" to come over and I was like, "Who's SALLY?"  The mayor of Whoville's wife, of course, one of Horton's peeps.  Oh my, girl.  

We had a mini-party in the screen room in the afternoon.  Just the five of us.  A day Addie will soon forget but I don't think the rest of us will forget her 3rd birthday... 

 

Later, at a friends' house for a Father's Day BBQ, Addie decided to climb up on a 2-wheel bike and ride it.  She'd never been on one before.  Quickly, she fell off and nearly bit through her tongue.  

A call to the doctor, who said we didn't need to bring her to the ER but that the tongue heals itself amazingly well and fast.  Next, stop for popsicles and tylenol right before the long night, with this thought running through my mind...I'm so sorry, birthday girl.  

Today Addie had her 3-year well checkup with her pediatrician.  She loves him so she pulled out all the extra sweetness and sang to him unprompted, hugged him and patted him on the back. 

She is also growing!  I've gotten so used to who she is now and sometimes I forget she is the same girl who [at 1yr old] was below the 5th percentile on growth charts and now [at 3yr old] is in the 70-80th percentile. 

He used words to describe her like...verbal.  active.  daring.  strong.  He also commented how much her personality has changed from quiet to way out of her shell.  She is wa-a-a-a-a-y out. 

ten on ten: June

Finding much life and beauty among the ordinary things of our day 

Linking up with 

we are here. we are here. we are here.

Addie loves the movie "Horton Hears a Who" and lately likes to bang two metal measuring cups together and yell..."we are here, we are here, we are here"!  She also likes to carry around a dandelion and call it her "speck".

She's a little obsessive but she's not the only one in the family with that trait.  

I haven't posted for a while but we are here.  

The kids finish school in the next week.  

Expectations are high for our best summer ever together.  There is already talk about how we will spend the 90 days of summer vacation [if you've got ideas, please drop a comment].  One thing I can see is a steady stream of iced coffee to keep up with my three road runners.  They say kids have endless amounts of energy and I tend to agree.  But last night, for the first time EVER, our almost 3 yr. old, on her own, told us..."I'm going to bed now, goodnight" and then went and climbed in her bed and went to sleep.  Very strange & shocking behavior...special thanks to the great outdoors.  

ten on ten: April

                   Finding much life and beauty among the ordinary things of our day 

State of the Fro

I was stopped by a black woman this week as I was shopping with Addie.  

She begins with "I see you have a mixed-race daughter..." and then proceeds to tell me about where I can find some great hair products and how to care for her hair.  

I appreciated the tips but wondered if Addie's hair looks in need of help.

Here is the current state of her fro...

  

[By the way, people sometimes assume that I am Addie's biological mom and her bio dad is black. Addie is not bi-racial.  Addie is African.  100%.]

I am Kristina

My husband and I were watching the show "Parenthood" and afterwards he told me the character Kristina reminds him of me.  Then I'm on the phone talking to my sister and she says the very same thing.  She actually said something more like this..."Kate, does someone on the show remind you of yourself?!" 

The next episode I watch, I have this strange seeing-in-the-mirror experience.  

I'm ok with the comparison in some ways.  Kristina is portrayed as strong and stable.  She loves her husband and kids deeply.  But she is high strung, intense, over-the-top nurturing and worrying and she just won't relent.  It can be a bit much.  It's a little painful to watch the smothering mothering.  Kristina, you need to relax, honey.  Let it go.  

via

It comes at a good time...I've been on a quest on how to continue to break free from my perfectionist qualities. Especially as I think of the mother I am to my two daughters.

There are some compulsions in me I don't understand and some anxieties that aren't logical.  I have an achieving tendency with this internal question of whether or not whatever I did was good enough. Was it?  Are you sure? Really? Then the cycle of over-thinking and second guessing...which is mostly exhausting but can sometimes paralyze me from any action.  

This week I stumbled upon these words from a research professor...

"Perfectionism is fear.  A shield to protect us from being hurt but it protects us from being seen.  A fear of not measuring up...we are trying to be beyond judgement."  

In response, I've been thinking about vulnerability and authenticity and what they mean.  

Last night I was thinking about real life.  The beauty that comes when we allow people to see us.  The real us. It's a struggle for me but it's part of my progress to share real life with real people.  To tell my true story.  To share my real life.  Not the pretty, edited version.  

I was thinking these thoughts as I walked through our house at 9 pm last night.  Our son had tracked mud from the front door, down the hall and into his room.  My husband was steaming it out of the carpet as I walked into the bathroom and found globs of toothpaste in the sink and soap splatters up the mirror.  How is it even possible to get that much soap on the mirror?  

Joy...even when life is messy and not photogenic.  After taking out the Honda's side view mirror backing into the recycling bin, cleaning up after Addie decided to take off her dirty diaper, flat tire, dead vehicle, strep throat, sleep deprived nights, accidents, I'm sorry's, stress, tired bodies.  

These are parts of the real story we're living and it is teaching me.  I'm making progress.  I've come a long way since the newly married bride who would not go to bed at night with dirty dishes in the sink.  That young bride would be mortified at the current state of things. Good thing she's not around anymore.  I'm much happier without her.   

Sandals waiting

When I look out our living room window I see banks of snow.

When I look out our back windows I see a yard full of snow.

But if I go outside and look closer I can see tulips and daffodils popping up through the snow.

I was thinking about how we see things differently depending on our perspective.

Yes, the snow exists.  But if I look past all the piles of snow I can see signs of spring.

In my own life, I won't deny there are parts of my life that have been stuck in [perpetual] winter. There are times when winter seems so desperately long [especially when we lived in northern Minnesota].  The hope of spring had a deeper meaning.  I felt like a survivor after making it another long, cold winter.  

But spring always came.  It will always come.  Sometimes it doesn't feel true.  Still, it is.  Similarly, there are things we hold out hope for.  And the "winters" are long.  The seasons of holding on to hope are long.  Maybe days pass, or weeks, sometimes years or even decades.  It feels like we can't hang on any longer.  Often we feel like banging our head against the wall.  We see no sign of spring. We see more snow and forecasts of more snow.  We don't think we can shovel anymore.

My kids asked how they could help to bring spring here faster.  They asked if it would help if they spread out the snow so it melts faster.  I can relate to the feeling.  It's as if I want to bring a blow dryer out into my back yard.  The absurdity is true but yet the feeling is true.  We have had enough.  
Yet there is nothing we can do to make spring come faster.  We wait.  It will come.  In my life, this has been a season where "spring" is coming into my heart and life.  I have seen things come that have been long hoped for.  I celebrate the long anticipated new life, the "spring".  Winter is letting go...and warmth and growth and life are replacing it.  Maybe it's that much sweeter when the wait has been long.  

We see the thermometer says 40 degrees.  Here in Wisconsin, it appears, it's reason to celebrate. People are outside, dressed with remarkably light clothing, and unusually happy.  You would think it was actually warm out today.  We know it's true...spring is near.  It's just a matter of time.

In our family, we are still wearing jackets and boots outside but inside we've got sandals waiting. We're ready.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul, 

and sings the song without the words and never stops at all."
~Emily Dickinson~