ten on ten: March

finding much life and beauty among the ordinary things of our day

daily bread

I like listening to jazz or r&b when I cook.  I've had food on my mind this month.  

It was a regular weeknight, when we didn't send the kids to bed at their usual bedtime, instead we waited together for a pan of blueberry crisp to come out of the oven.  Then at 10 pm I lined up 5 plates, dished up the warm goodness, and scooped vanilla bean ice cream on top.  As we sat around the table, all unanimously voting we liked the crisp, it hit me- this is a happy moment.  

I was so happy and it was more meaningful because this winter has also had its low moments.  That hit me too. When we went to the movie Frozen, as a family, and I cried so hard I left with a headache.  Mostly because I was trying to stop myself from being the slobbering mess I was.  Wow, I guess I needed a good cry.  Sheesh.  

Someone I love told me, sometimes it doesn't matter how we feel we just need to do what we know we should. I will cook.  

In neediness, I want to make soup.  Soup and more soup.  I made chicken chili until I thought I better lay off the recipe or we'd be chicken chili'd out for good.  Pumpkin soup, minestrone, lentil soup.  Soup because it's winter and we're cold.  Soup because I'm sad and soup is comforting.  Soup because it's healthy and nourishes us.  I want to feed and nurture. 

This month, I felt God whispering to my heart the reminder that I need daily bread.  He'll give it to me on a day-by-day basis and I need to come back again tomorrow.  

I'm thankful for tomorrows, for daily bread, the opportunity to cook and invite people to come to my table.  

I'm hungry.  Tomorrow's dinner menu is chicken curry.  

the young couple in the Jeep

Sitting at the stoplight, I looked out my window and saw a black Jeep Cherokee pull up alongside us. A Jeep just like we had over a decade ago...with a [very] young couple riding in it.  That WAS us.  

Here we are now with 3 kiddos in the back seat and we're not 20 anymore.    Was this what I pictured 15 years ago?  Something like this.  Maybe I thought I'd have things figured out by now.  

Last week we celebrated 15 years of marriage.  Just beginning, really, compared to some friends of ours who share the same anniversary and were celebrating 43 years.  They are in the pro-category.  
This is what I know...I don't really know much.  This marriage gig has proved to be one of the most difficult endeavors we've signed up for.  If it wasn't for God's GRACE I don't even know if we'd still be together.  Two imperfect people...who mess things up, love imperfectly and act in selfish ways.

There have been some battles to fight.  I'm so glad we fought.  There have been unhappy days.  I'm glad we hung in there.  And there have been joys, wonderful adventures, and blue sky days...I'm delighted to have shared with my guy.  

We celebrate what God has done.  In spite of our shortcomings...He has been so good to us.  

He's making something beautiful.  I'm so happy to be a part of it.  Tonight, I'm thankful to fall asleep by my best friend and husband.  

the [unforgettable] birthday

Woot.  Woot.  We've got a 3 year old in the house.  

I love this girl.  In typical fashion she is full of sweet, sass, and surprises.  She loves to talk!  Often in and out of reality and her imaginary world.  She came to the dinner table the other night with her shirt pulled up over her hair because she was "Princess Celestia".  For her birthday she said she wanted her friend "Sally" to come over and I was like, "Who's SALLY?"  The mayor of Whoville's wife, of course, one of Horton's peeps.  Oh my, girl.  

We had a mini-party in the screen room in the afternoon.  Just the five of us.  A day Addie will soon forget but I don't think the rest of us will forget her 3rd birthday... 

 

Later, at a friends' house for a Father's Day BBQ, Addie decided to climb up on a 2-wheel bike and ride it.  She'd never been on one before.  Quickly, she fell off and nearly bit through her tongue.  

A call to the doctor, who said we didn't need to bring her to the ER but that the tongue heals itself amazingly well and fast.  Next, stop for popsicles and tylenol right before the long night, with this thought running through my mind...I'm so sorry, birthday girl.  

Today Addie had her 3-year well checkup with her pediatrician.  She loves him so she pulled out all the extra sweetness and sang to him unprompted, hugged him and patted him on the back. 

She is also growing!  I've gotten so used to who she is now and sometimes I forget she is the same girl who [at 1yr old] was below the 5th percentile on growth charts and now [at 3yr old] is in the 70-80th percentile. 

He used words to describe her like...verbal.  active.  daring.  strong.  He also commented how much her personality has changed from quiet to way out of her shell.  She is wa-a-a-a-a-y out. 

we are here. we are here. we are here.

Addie loves the movie "Horton Hears a Who" and lately likes to bang two metal measuring cups together and yell..."we are here, we are here, we are here"!  She also likes to carry around a dandelion and call it her "speck".

She's a little obsessive but she's not the only one in the family with that trait.  

I haven't posted for a while but we are here.  

The kids finish school in the next week.  

Expectations are high for our best summer ever together.  There is already talk about how we will spend the 90 days of summer vacation [if you've got ideas, please drop a comment].  One thing I can see is a steady stream of iced coffee to keep up with my three road runners.  They say kids have endless amounts of energy and I tend to agree.  But last night, for the first time EVER, our almost 3 yr. old, on her own, told us..."I'm going to bed now, goodnight" and then went and climbed in her bed and went to sleep.  Very strange & shocking behavior...special thanks to the great outdoors.  

ten on ten: April

                   Finding much life and beauty among the ordinary things of our day 

State of the Fro

I was stopped by a black woman this week as I was shopping with Addie.  

She begins with "I see you have a mixed-race daughter..." and then proceeds to tell me about where I can find some great hair products and how to care for her hair.  

I appreciated the tips but wondered if Addie's hair looks in need of help.

Here is the current state of her fro...

  

[By the way, people sometimes assume that I am Addie's biological mom and her bio dad is black. Addie is not bi-racial.  Addie is African.  100%.]

I am Kristina

My husband and I were watching the show "Parenthood" and afterwards he told me the character Kristina reminds him of me.  Then I'm on the phone talking to my sister and she says the very same thing.  She actually said something more like this..."Kate, does someone on the show remind you of yourself?!" 

The next episode I watch, I have this strange seeing-in-the-mirror experience.  

I'm ok with the comparison in some ways.  Kristina is portrayed as strong and stable.  She loves her husband and kids deeply.  But she is high strung, intense, over-the-top nurturing and worrying and she just won't relent.  It can be a bit much.  It's a little painful to watch the smothering mothering.  Kristina, you need to relax, honey.  Let it go.  

via

It comes at a good time...I've been on a quest on how to continue to break free from my perfectionist qualities. Especially as I think of the mother I am to my two daughters.

There are some compulsions in me I don't understand and some anxieties that aren't logical.  I have an achieving tendency with this internal question of whether or not whatever I did was good enough. Was it?  Are you sure? Really? Then the cycle of over-thinking and second guessing...which is mostly exhausting but can sometimes paralyze me from any action.  

This week I stumbled upon these words from a research professor...

"Perfectionism is fear.  A shield to protect us from being hurt but it protects us from being seen.  A fear of not measuring up...we are trying to be beyond judgement."  

In response, I've been thinking about vulnerability and authenticity and what they mean.  

Last night I was thinking about real life.  The beauty that comes when we allow people to see us.  The real us. It's a struggle for me but it's part of my progress to share real life with real people.  To tell my true story.  To share my real life.  Not the pretty, edited version.  

I was thinking these thoughts as I walked through our house at 9 pm last night.  Our son had tracked mud from the front door, down the hall and into his room.  My husband was steaming it out of the carpet as I walked into the bathroom and found globs of toothpaste in the sink and soap splatters up the mirror.  How is it even possible to get that much soap on the mirror?  

Joy...even when life is messy and not photogenic.  After taking out the Honda's side view mirror backing into the recycling bin, cleaning up after Addie decided to take off her dirty diaper, flat tire, dead vehicle, strep throat, sleep deprived nights, accidents, I'm sorry's, stress, tired bodies.  

These are parts of the real story we're living and it is teaching me.  I'm making progress.  I've come a long way since the newly married bride who would not go to bed at night with dirty dishes in the sink.  That young bride would be mortified at the current state of things. Good thing she's not around anymore.  I'm much happier without her.   

the grossest day of her life

As she sipped her hot apple drink from Starbucks, I drove around town and talked to my daughter [more] about sex.  I think it's a little less intense if I'm not giving her constant eye contact.  

If I read her correctly, it's a bit of a shocker. She said it was the "grossest day of her life".  Even grosser than the day her toddler sister puked.  

She said she's going to need some time to process this.  

We ended our talk with a stop at the Salvation Army.  She has been asking for a typewriter for weeks with her left over Christmas money.  [She is so my daughter].  She couldn't wait to move on and get home to work on her book..."The Adventures of Piano-man and the Great Monster-man."

Talking to My Daughter about Sex

I posted last year about my talk with our then 9-yr. old daughter about sex.  I continue to bring sexuality up and let it flow in our everyday conversations to show her I don't have a problem talking about it with her.   

I want to keep the conversation open and continue to fill in gaps.  She's happy about reading together so we have been reading about puberty in The Body Book for Girls.

She is in 4th grade in the public school.  This week they have "Human Growth & Development" class. The curriculum begins this year and goes further next year.  It's optional for elementary school.  We requested Grace to not participate.  Mostly because we want the conversation to be open between her and us, as parents, so hopefully conversations with her will continue naturally as she grows older.  

If we're not going to have her participate in sex ed in elementary school I feel I have the responsibility to make a plan to educate her.  If I never have "the talk" with my kids, they are going to find out.  Experts now say "sex [ed] by eight or it's too late".  Far better to have her go to the class in elementary school than leave her to find her education on her own. 

The other night I asked her if she wanted to talk about sex.  And she repeats this line from a movie she likes where the mother is embarrassing her son with her dancing moves...."You're hurting me, mom!" You're hurting me!"  

I think she's ready for more details.  I've been on a hunt for a good book to help but I've been totally disappointed.  I found a few reject books on the subject that either are too vague [the man & woman "fit together"] or silly [pictures of old, naked, cartoon characters in the bathtub together], or written before I was born.  Is this all there is to work with?  Makes me want to write and illustrate a sex ed book for kids.  Plain, straightforward answers that approach the subject like it's interesting and wonderful and has decent illustrations.  

Let me know if you've got something that would help this mom out.  

Turn me on [Lights]

How do you say Happy Love [Valentine's] Day to your wife?   

I suppose there are many ways.  

Here at our casa it was dust and traces of pink insulation as my husband decided it was the perfect day to put in recessed lighting in the living room and entry.  

No sarcasm in my tone, as a practical person, I appreciate these gifts.  I must say there is something attractive about a husband hard at work, fixing things. 

Somewhere in the mumbling talk of red wire, black wire, white wire and multiple 3-way switches, he lost me.  He also liked to continue to repeat the phrase "in theory".  

The dust has settled, the snags have been ironed out and the living room is now lit.  He put the living room lights on a dimmer switch for ambience, so, I'm thinking there's romance there.  

We're also still getting along which is never a guarantee with home improvement projects.  

It was a sweet Valentine's Day.  We gave hand crafted love notes to the kiddos and each other. Vanilla cupcakes and milk were shared around the table before bed.  Last night we went to a Valentine's dinner at church.  We got 2 out of 10 possible points on the Newlywed Game, coming in last place of all the couples.  The only two questions we got right were ones we had a 50/50 chance of getting because the answer was either "him" or "her".  My conclusion: we just need to date more. Much more.  

Intimidation

Jude's been asking for a cold lunch to take to school.  [He's been having the school's hot lunch.]

Last week I joined him for the first time at his school for lunch and it all became clear.

He has this friend.  He seems like a good friend for my boy from what I could tell over our 1/2 hour together.

We're lined up at the cafeteria table...me, Jude, and his bud.

Jude and I are sitting there with our hot lunches.  Then his friend pulls out his lunch box.  THE lunch box.

Jude's friend opened his ultra cool lunchbox, lifted out two ice packs, then his organic chocolate milk, a Lunchable, drinkable yogurt with curly straw, string cheese, and an organic fruit rope.

When I told a friend the story later she said...was it like light beamed down from heaven when he opened it? Yes, exactly.

I think I was staring.

Wow.

And then I felt it.  Intimidation by the packed lunch.  Big time.  Funny how a lunch can bring up the mom insecurities.

I've never delivered a lunch like that one.  Not even on my best day.

Later that night my husband was saying he was going to pack a cold lunch for Jude for the next day.

I wanted to say...don't do it!  We're not up for it.  I don't want Jude to set his lunch next to his friend's and realize. Realize...I've got a hack sandwich and a clementine and 30 cents for the milk machine.  But indeed he headed off with his lunch box.

He came home happy as always.  I think all is well.

It's just a lunch.

Getting Rid of the Crib

I have baby clothes hanging to dry in the basement.  I'm passing them on to my sister's new baby girl who arrived at Christmas.  

Opening the totes of little dresses, I'm thrown into thoughts of sweet babies.

The Mr. and I have been on the topic for awhile now.  Nearly every week someone asks us if we are "done".  I think this is the stage of life where people are having the conversation.  Many of our peers are getting rid of the cribs.  When it comes up, I've heard it said, "Oh, yeah, we're done...we've gotten rid of the crib."  As if getting rid of the crib makes it concrete/irreversible/permanent.  Maybe it is the symbol.

Well, we don't have a crib.  But that certainly wouldn't stop me.

My husband tells me that once you have 3 kids you're at a level where 4 doesn't really seem like much more.  I'm not sure I'm convinced but I do love his optimism [usually].  

I'm 35 and my husband is 38.  The other day someone said that I'm nearly 40.  My husband, maybe, but me, no.  I'm closer to 30 than 40.  

With our three kids...I could picture another child.  This time I can't quite visualize baby #4.  It's quite foggy.  

I'm not ready to say we are done.  I'm also not ready to jump off the cliff.  

Then the next question...Biological?  Adoption?  People sometimes say, adoption must be easier. Pregnancy and childbirth [read about our firstborn's birth here] were challenging but, in some ways, adoption was even more.  

We'd be more likely to adopt again than get pregnant.  I'm not sure it will ever happen but I can't bring myself to say it's all over.  Let's just stay in limbo awhile longer.  

Linking up with Just Write.

a little girl

I read these sweet song lyrics today.  True and worth remembering.  

Her mama bought her a hopechest
To keep her dreams inside
All the precious memories
Little things she's like to hide
A magic wand, an old rag doll
Some plastic pearls 'cause after all

A little girl is only a little girl so long
And tender hearts need their stars to wish upon
'Cause one day you will turn around and she'll be gone
A little girl is only a little girl so long

One day when she got home from school
She slipped a little note 
Beneath the tattered lining
And here is what he wrote
"Roses are red, violets are blue" 
"Put an X in the box if you like me too"
A little girl is only a little girl so long
And tender hearts need their stars to wish upon
'Cause one day you will turn around and she'll be gone
A little girl is only a little girl so long

They married in the garden on a perfect July day
In a horse and carriage they waved and rode away
Mama went inside to put away her wedding dress
And spotted a letter lying on the old hopechest

It said...

A little girl is only a little girl so long
Your lonely heart might need a star to wish upon
So look inside once in a while to bring the memories home
A little girl is only a little girl
And I will always be your little girl
So long...

~S. Bentley~

to Luna

Praise be, the UPS man arrived today, unexpectedly, with the repaired camera [I've missed it over the last four months]!  Grace and Jude were at school but I snapped a few of our Addie girl [now 2 1/2 years old].  

We've been spending a lot of time together....her and I.  We had a guest pastor in town a week ago and he used the phrase "blue sky days" and reminded us to treasure them.  I do.   

I need God's help to be the mother each of my kids need.  Every day seems to bring something new.  There are good days and then there are...other days.

Today Addie ran into her bedroom door.  I heard her scream and I knew is was the "she's hurt" cry.  I ran to her and she ran away from me.  She was desperate for her blanket, which she grabbed, started sucking her finger and laid on the floor.  It reminded me of how she learned to soothe herself.  I noted how different that response was from my older two [biological kids] who would run to me when they were hurt. 

She's still learning what it's like to have a mother.   A mother who responds when she cries.  A mother who touches her.  Today I was struck with the reality of children who cry and no one responds.  Babies who are not receiving the touch of a mother, or a caregiver.  

Addie is on and off with me.  She is on and off in life, with a quick switch from sweet to blazing mad.   

She's smart as a whip.  I tell her "I love you to the moon" and she replies..."No, to LUNA".  This is a result of her obsession with her Spanish speaking tv-friends, Diego and Dora.  She is also great at giving me compliments when she is in trouble.  She'll say things like "I like it when you smile" or "You have pretty hair, mama".  

And a few minutes later she'll throw a fit because I put her drink in the wrong colored cup.  Or because I turned off Diego.  And I tell her I love her everyday.  And I do.  All the way to Luna.  

Sleep Issues

Our toddler doesn't sleep the night.  She is 2 1/2 years old.  I've been pretty relaxed about it, thinking it will pass.  But it isn't.  She falls asleep about 9 pm in her own bed.  Like clockwork she wakes up every night about 4 am.  Sometimes 3 am.    

I don't know what wakes her up?  [It seems she isn't scared when she wakes up but what scares her is getting up in the dark].  The routine is she then runs from her bed to our bed screaming which freaks me out.  My husband and I have then been scooping her up and letting her sleep between us. Not really that much sleeping actually.  At least not for her or my husband.  I can sleep through A LOT.  She wiggles, kicks, and sucks her finger.  I must say he is the nighttime hero parent and I am the one who deserves a lecture and his wrath [which he doesn't give me].  

We've [he's] been giving her a bottle of milk [at 4 am].  Which I know she doesn't "need" but it is a comfort thing for her.  She's also old for a bottle but we've got our reasons for giving it to her. 

1.  She loves it and we cave to her demands at 4 am.  2.  She never had a bottle until she was 10 months old.  3.  Her tongue was almost always sticking out of her mouth her first year of life, partly due to poor muscle tone [sucking a bottle, among other things, helped].

photo on the day we arrived home~ Addis was 10 months

It's interesting how we evolve as parents.  Our firstborn never slept in our bed unless she was sick. Our son either.  Our bed was off-limits.  

The 4 am thing is getting old.  Are her sleeping issues related to her adoption?  I know the beginning of her life included neglect.  Add loss, change, moderate malnutrition, failure to thrive, developmental delays...these traumas must have an effect.  What do those effects look like now?  

Another mother in our adoption travel group has blogged about their daughter's sleep issues here and here.  It's helpful to know you're not alone.  

Sometimes I wonder if Addie has some sensitivity to sensory things and it causes anxiety?  Maybe it's just her personality?  Our son, when he was a toddler, liked to take a napkin and wipe his lips after every bite of food.  That's weird.  Particular, we'd say.  

Addie is particular too about certain things.  She throws a fit if a bit of oatmeal lands on her hand. She also doesn't want to see the bottom of the bowl when she is eating her oatmeal.  She will take her spoon and smooth it over again and again so she doesn't have to see the bottom.  She is done eating when it gets close to the bottom.    

So, we sort through how to parent her.  She is sweet and then sour.  Loud.  Is she being naughty or is she scared?  Her demands and tantrums...is this typical 2 year old behavior or is it something else?  
I have no idea.  

self expression and paint

I did a little painting on Saturday.  The girls' bedroom ceiling was dingy and had some previous touch up spots that were bright.  Grace requested light blue so it would look like a sky.  So it is.  

I am trying to allow her personal self-expression.  

The other day she was leaving for school and I asked my husband if I should say anything about her outfit.  Nah.  This day it was red leggings, a gray & pink striped character t-shirt with words, and a cream, floral, lace scarf.  Speaking of self-expression, Addie's latest is saying "I'm angry" and then she growls a very wicked sounding growl.  

  

Anyways, I've digressed.  Back to the painting...the ceiling color was in the off-white section [Behr's Waterfall Mist]. The walls were already a light pink [Behr's Silk Sheets].   I would take a picture but our camera is still at Nikon for repair.  It's been months.  Nikon is now a bad word in our house.  I'm angry.  [insert a very wicked sounding growl].

Chance of Snow: 100%

Let it snow x3!

No school today.  I love snow days.  We're getting serious snow (maybe 9-12") and, looking out from my window, it's beautiful.  Our house feels warmer and cozier today.  The Christmas music is even more enjoyable.  My husband was out shoveling before I even woke up.  I was making the coffee, looking out the kitchen window and seeing him and Grace hard at work shoveling the driveway...made me happy.  Frosty was built before 9 am.  Snow forts this afternoon.  More shoveling still to come.  

The Christmas shopping is coming along but not done.  I am feeling no stress about it.  Although I did have a moment with the Mr. in Target.  He likes shopping more than I do.  He took the task of getting Legos so he went to store #1 in search of Legos.  Target was our #2 stop and he didn't seem to think they had "the" Legos.  I was losing it and said "You're killing me Smalls".  Not even sure what that means but it felt appropriate.  I think I said it after he suggested heading to store #3 for the Legos?  Grace has asked for cds and so I'm listening to music today.  What is good and lyrically appropriate for a 10 year old?  Found this "Top 10 Albums of 2012" list at Relevant Magazine.  I should keep my kids' wish lists.  They are telling and so them.  My favorite, from Jude's list, "a journal for a man". 

I didn't get my act together on Christmas cards or Christmas photos this year.  I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.  I love getting the cards in the mailbox.  I thought how I'd enjoy  writing a post on the topic of Christmas letters.  I think it was one of my brother-in-laws who suggested that someone should write more of the good, honest truth in their Christmas letter one year.  I don't think I can be the one.  Maybe you could?  

The truth is, even with all our crazy, awful unmentionables...this life is a beautiful one to be living.  I think I am learning to celebrate progress.  It is good.  

Talk of the 2-Year-Old

Our toddler.  She is loud, sassy, determined, and she makes us laugh every day.  I know they say that kids say what they hear.  True, but this girl comes up with some of her own material.  I've never heard some things she says from anyone else in our house.  Here's a short list of my favorite "Addie-isms":  

Wait a minute, you're not scary.

I neeeeeed it.

I not tell you nothing.

I not tell you my problems.

You be nice to me.

I no have "peanuts".

Just kiddin'.

It's loading.

I like to smile at you [when she's in trouble].

He's staring at me. 

[Sept 2012]

I'm here

The camera came back unfixed and so it was sent away for repair again.  Life's undocumented but life is happening.

Jude lost his first tooth Thanksgiving weekend.  He also said he doesn't want to get his hair cut because he wants it to grow long and shaggy like the older boys at church.  So, he's rocking a new smile and increasingly shaggy hair.

My girl, Grace, turned 10.  She isn't a fan of chocolate so it was vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting on her birthday.  Most of which she brought to school to share with her class but I did manage to eat 4 cupcakes that day myself.  My pants are too tight and I'm quite happy about it.  I currently weigh the most I ever have in my LIFE (other than pregnancy)...it's happening.  We bought Grace her first pair of "high heel" shoes and she's been clicking around the house. I don't think they came off for 12 hours yesterday.

I've got Christmas on my mind.  I love the season, the music and special activities.  We've been talking about how to make it special, keep it simple and help our kids grow in thankfulness and generosity.  Our plan is to do our first Christmas countdown (advent) with a mixture of family activities, acts of kindness, and small treats.

Our Christmas tree is up.  I had this great, fun, young, idea of sleeping in the living room under the Christmas lights with my honey.  He was game and pulled out the pillows, sleeping bags and blankets and set it up.  We laid on the living room floor for two hours until I finally said...What are we doing?  We have a comfortable bed in our room!  So we packed it up and went to bed.  Forget about being young and fun.  Crazy.