The next episode I watch, I have this strange seeing-in-the-mirror experience.
I'm ok with the comparison in some ways. Kristina is portrayed as strong and stable. She loves her husband and kids deeply. But she is high strung, intense, over-the-top nurturing and worrying and she just won't relent. It can be a bit much. It's a little painful to watch the smothering mothering. Kristina, you need to relax, honey. Let it go.
There are some compulsions in me I don't understand and some anxieties that aren't logical. I have an achieving tendency with this internal question of whether or not whatever I did was good enough. Was it? Are you sure? Really? Then the cycle of over-thinking and second guessing...which is mostly exhausting but can sometimes paralyze me from any action.
This week I stumbled upon these words from a research professor...
"Perfectionism is fear. A shield to protect us from being hurt but it protects us from being seen. A fear of not measuring up...we are trying to be beyond judgement."
In response, I've been thinking about vulnerability and authenticity and what they mean.
Last night I was thinking about real life. The beauty that comes when we allow people to see us. The real us. It's a struggle for me but it's part of my progress to share real life with real people. To tell my true story. To share my real life. Not the pretty, edited version.
I was thinking these thoughts as I walked through our house at 9 pm last night. Our son had tracked mud from the front door, down the hall and into his room. My husband was steaming it out of the carpet as I walked into the bathroom and found globs of toothpaste in the sink and soap splatters up the mirror. How is it even possible to get that much soap on the mirror?
Joy...even when life is messy and not photogenic. After taking out the Honda's side view mirror backing into the recycling bin, cleaning up after Addie decided to take off her dirty diaper, flat tire, dead vehicle, strep throat, sleep deprived nights, accidents, I'm sorry's, stress, tired bodies.
These are parts of the real story we're living and it is teaching me. I'm making progress. I've come a long way since the newly married bride who would not go to bed at night with dirty dishes in the sink. That young bride would be mortified at the current state of things. Good thing she's not around anymore. I'm much happier without her.
5 comments:
Honey, I think you and I are soul sisters. When you figure it all out, please let me know. :-)
I've been going through something similar to this for the past few months. When something doesn't go the way I think it should, I feel guilty and try to fix everything to fit the unattainable standard I have created for my life. But God has been teaching me... life is messy. All life. And we don't have control. We need to relinquish control to Him. I have to remind myself daily, almost hourly, of this. But when I do remember, I feel so free. Real.
God's grace covers the messy, out-of-control things. I think he'd rather us lose control than live a life where we think we don't need him. Be thankful for the messes, both literal and hypothetical. Releasing control is such a good feeling.
Good word Kate. If there's one certain thing in life, it's that life is messy. Compound that with being in the ministry, and you have messy times 100!
The cool thing though is that God chooses to work His glory through our messy and when the two collide, it's beautiful.
If you didn't have that drive for perfection, maybe you wouldn't need Jesus quite as much to help you breathe. There is a beauty and purpose in the imperfection, and God is using you through it all.
Love ya :)
Michelle
@Farm Raised: Yep, sister. You let me know when you figure it out!
@Even Greater Things: Yes, well said. I didn't realize I know you until I saw your recent blog posts and the picture of you with Tony! The older I get the more I realize how little I actually control. But it's a good discovery. We can trust God. He is good.
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