State of the Fro

I was stopped by a black woman this week as I was shopping with Addie.  

She begins with "I see you have a mixed-race daughter..." and then proceeds to tell me about where I can find some great hair products and how to care for her hair.  

I appreciated the tips but wondered if Addie's hair looks in need of help.

Here is the current state of her fro...

  

[By the way, people sometimes assume that I am Addie's biological mom and her bio dad is black. Addie is not bi-racial.  Addie is African.  100%.]

to Luna

Praise be, the UPS man arrived today, unexpectedly, with the repaired camera [I've missed it over the last four months]!  Grace and Jude were at school but I snapped a few of our Addie girl [now 2 1/2 years old].  

We've been spending a lot of time together....her and I.  We had a guest pastor in town a week ago and he used the phrase "blue sky days" and reminded us to treasure them.  I do.   

I need God's help to be the mother each of my kids need.  Every day seems to bring something new.  There are good days and then there are...other days.

Today Addie ran into her bedroom door.  I heard her scream and I knew is was the "she's hurt" cry.  I ran to her and she ran away from me.  She was desperate for her blanket, which she grabbed, started sucking her finger and laid on the floor.  It reminded me of how she learned to soothe herself.  I noted how different that response was from my older two [biological kids] who would run to me when they were hurt. 

She's still learning what it's like to have a mother.   A mother who responds when she cries.  A mother who touches her.  Today I was struck with the reality of children who cry and no one responds.  Babies who are not receiving the touch of a mother, or a caregiver.  

Addie is on and off with me.  She is on and off in life, with a quick switch from sweet to blazing mad.   

She's smart as a whip.  I tell her "I love you to the moon" and she replies..."No, to LUNA".  This is a result of her obsession with her Spanish speaking tv-friends, Diego and Dora.  She is also great at giving me compliments when she is in trouble.  She'll say things like "I like it when you smile" or "You have pretty hair, mama".  

And a few minutes later she'll throw a fit because I put her drink in the wrong colored cup.  Or because I turned off Diego.  And I tell her I love her everyday.  And I do.  All the way to Luna.  

Sleep Issues

Our toddler doesn't sleep the night.  She is 2 1/2 years old.  I've been pretty relaxed about it, thinking it will pass.  But it isn't.  She falls asleep about 9 pm in her own bed.  Like clockwork she wakes up every night about 4 am.  Sometimes 3 am.    

I don't know what wakes her up?  [It seems she isn't scared when she wakes up but what scares her is getting up in the dark].  The routine is she then runs from her bed to our bed screaming which freaks me out.  My husband and I have then been scooping her up and letting her sleep between us. Not really that much sleeping actually.  At least not for her or my husband.  I can sleep through A LOT.  She wiggles, kicks, and sucks her finger.  I must say he is the nighttime hero parent and I am the one who deserves a lecture and his wrath [which he doesn't give me].  

We've [he's] been giving her a bottle of milk [at 4 am].  Which I know she doesn't "need" but it is a comfort thing for her.  She's also old for a bottle but we've got our reasons for giving it to her. 

1.  She loves it and we cave to her demands at 4 am.  2.  She never had a bottle until she was 10 months old.  3.  Her tongue was almost always sticking out of her mouth her first year of life, partly due to poor muscle tone [sucking a bottle, among other things, helped].

photo on the day we arrived home~ Addis was 10 months

It's interesting how we evolve as parents.  Our firstborn never slept in our bed unless she was sick. Our son either.  Our bed was off-limits.  

The 4 am thing is getting old.  Are her sleeping issues related to her adoption?  I know the beginning of her life included neglect.  Add loss, change, moderate malnutrition, failure to thrive, developmental delays...these traumas must have an effect.  What do those effects look like now?  

Another mother in our adoption travel group has blogged about their daughter's sleep issues here and here.  It's helpful to know you're not alone.  

Sometimes I wonder if Addie has some sensitivity to sensory things and it causes anxiety?  Maybe it's just her personality?  Our son, when he was a toddler, liked to take a napkin and wipe his lips after every bite of food.  That's weird.  Particular, we'd say.  

Addie is particular too about certain things.  She throws a fit if a bit of oatmeal lands on her hand. She also doesn't want to see the bottom of the bowl when she is eating her oatmeal.  She will take her spoon and smooth it over again and again so she doesn't have to see the bottom.  She is done eating when it gets close to the bottom.    

So, we sort through how to parent her.  She is sweet and then sour.  Loud.  Is she being naughty or is she scared?  Her demands and tantrums...is this typical 2 year old behavior or is it something else?  
I have no idea.  

Racial Awareness

Addie [28 months] is becoming more self aware.  I remember, in our adoption training class which was almost four years ago now, hearing about how kids will realize skin color fairly young [I think around 2-3 yrs?].  I think it's happening.  We've been telling Addie she was born in Ethiopia.  She realizes that is a place on our globe.  She connects that Marcus Samuelsson is also from Ethiopia.  So, the other day, Addie's daddy took her to the library.  When she saw a few black women sitting together she pointed at them and started yelling...."E-OPIA!!"  She is also into naming her colors.  This is pink.  That is purple.  She will also say her hair is brown.  She is discovering.  I think sometimes she is even giving special treatment to black people.  Like a nod of the head or an extra fist bump.  Maybe I'm imagining it.  

Yes, Chef

One of my goals for 2012 was to read at least a book a month.  Some of my other goals have been a complete fail, so far, but I'm on target with this one.  Here's my list of books I've finished since January:

1. Veneer
2. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
3. Start Something That Matters
4. Bird by Bird
5. Beneath the Lion's Gaze
6. The Kite Runner
7. Organized Simplicity
8. In Defense of Food
9. The Perfectly Imperfect Home
10. Yes, Chef
11. NurtureShock

I just finished Yes, Chef.  Because our daughter, Addis, is Ethiopian, books about Ethiopia are of special interest to me.  This is the memoir of Marcus Samuelsson, who was born in Ethiopia, adopted by a Swedish family, and has now become a world-renowned chef.
  

I especially enjoyed reading about when he traveled back to Africa, as an adult, and met his biological father.  I appreciated how he describes life in Addis Ababa [the capital of Ethiopia] and the sights, smells, and food.
 

 

 

Reading about his experiences in Addis make my own more real.  I traveled to Addis Ababa twice but most of the time it feels like a dream.  Ethiopia is another world.  The contrast of life in Ethiopia and my life in America is so vast...I can't process or comprehend it.
 

 

 

Marcus wrote about how he stayed at the Sheraton Addis during his visit.  I stopped at this very hotel numerous times during our two brief stays in Ethiopia.  I even had a lunch on the Sheraton's outdoor patio.
 

I ate the traditional Ethiopian foods he describes.  There is such a contrast with the luxury of the Sheraton and the extreme poverty right outside its gates.  There is beauty in Ethiopia ... the people, mountains, endless summer, coffee ceremonies, artistry of thatched roof huts.  Yet, life is hard, in a way most Americans cannot understand.
 

 

I want to hold on to the memories so, in some way, I can tell my daughter of her birthplace.  She is two years old now.  If you ask her where she was born, she will answer, "E-OPIA!"  Yes.  I want it to be natural to talk about with her.  Just like I tell my older two children the story of their birth, I tell Addis, often when I'm rocking her and she's sleepy, about our airplane trip from Ethiopia to bring her home.  

It really did happen.  Proof is watching her.  Here.  Now. 

Addie's [African] Hair Care

I feel like Addie was seriously ripped off when it comes to a mother and her hair care.  I'm learning.  Prior to her coming home it was cut short.  Then once she got home it started falling out and I wondered if it was due to how I was caring for it?  The doctor seemed to think it was due to malnutrition.  Well, the hair...it's been growing!

What I've learned...

1. I was washing it too much [and the shampoo was too harsh] so I cut that down to once a week and used an organic shampoo [Shea Moisture Organic Baby Wash & Shampoo, which is without sulfates & parabens].  
2. Her hair is very thirsty.  I used organic coconut oil as conditioner by liquefying it and spraying it on her hair after her bath.  Recently I added Shea Moisture Hold & Shine Moisture Mist and would spray on in the morning before styling.  
3. On styling, up to this point I have mastered the "puffs".  Which on a good day look something like this...

But let's be real, a lot of days, it looks more like this...

Lately I've been on a hunt for the best hair products for her so I put the question out to other adoptive parents in our Ethiopian travel group.  Teach me.  Tell me.  Help me!  I got lots of great input and bought this new product, Aubrey Organics Moisturizing Conditioner, which I've been leaving in Addie's hair instead of washing it out [more great advice from another mom]. The earlier mentioned products didn't seem to be moisture intensive enough on their own. 

This week I tried a new style.  The "twists".  She was happy to let me twist it while she was in the tub. 

Oh, my goodness, I think it is just the cutest on her.  Maybe this is a bit more as her beautiful African hair should be?  And that makes me happy. 

~Kate

The Day We Waited For...[x16]

Last weekend we were in Saint Paul for our first reunion with [many of] the families from our adoption travel group.

In December 2010, 16 families from all over the U.S., flew to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and met each other for the first time.  [This was after "waiting" in the official process for about two years.]  On that trip, not only did we meet each other, but we met our children [for the very first time].  Our children were in care together in Ethiopia and most are very close to the same age.  They spent nearly their first year of life together...in the same little rooms with their cribs lined up side by side. 

The finalization of our adoptions hit many delays and roadblocks and as we shared these experiences together we bonded in a unique way.  Even many of our social workers commented that we experienced something special in our group in the way we formed a community.  We reached out to each other, not only in Africa, but once we returned home.  It is a wonderful group of people that I am glad to know.    

This weekend we met at a global market for dinner, attended the event Ethiopian Kids- Summer Mehaber at the MN State Fairgrounds, enjoyed another dinner together and a backyard BBQ.

As we celebrated together, it was the celebration of a day long waited for.  As I was talking with one of the fathers...looking out over a backyard full of families and toddlers....he told me this is the day he and his wife waited their whole lives for....to have a family.

It was like toddler heaven...toddlers running and playing.  Enjoying kiddie pools, a slip 'n slide, sand box, swing, balls, lawn games and being with each other.  

  

They didn't even want to stop to eat.  Did I mention how cute they looked in their swimsuits....?!

Get out of town...this girl is so cute I can't even stand it.  

They all are...

Totally delicious.  

It did the heart good to see them [10 of the 16 kids] together.   

It is meaningful to me because our daughter was surrounded by these children shortly after her birth.    It is a connection we are thankful continues.  

~Kate 

Relationship to patient

Questions can be hard.

"How much did she weigh at birth?" 

"Was she born prematurely?"

"What is her mother's medical history and health conditions?"

"What is her father's medical history and health conditions?"

"What is her birth story?" 

  and on and on...

I don't know.

I know she came into care at a very bleak orphanage in Ethiopia when she was between 2-3 weeks old [estimated].  While she was arriving there...I was in America celebrating the 4th of July. 

Often these questions cause me to think of Addis' biological mother.  Her unknown mother.  I imagine they spent the first weeks of Addis' life together.  I believe adoption is beautiful but often the road that leads to it is full of tragedy and pain.  Because of the bond between mother and child, I know she must grieve the loss of her daughter.  She gave Addis the gift of life.  Now I am the one Addis calls mama.  Something about it just doesn't seem fair. 

Addis was born in rural Ethiopia.  There is no birth record.  Women of the village most likely assisted with her birth in a hut. The way a baby comes into the world in America would seem unbelievably absurd in contrast.   [Birthing center?  Fetal monitoring?  Epidural?]  

 

Addis Nigat.  I loved her before I even met her.  It's amazing how that is even possible.  

Just this week I took her to the doctor's office.  I can not answer most of the doctor's questions about her medical history.  Then they ask me to sign the forms.  I sign my name.  The next line reads- "Relationship to patient" and I write...MOTHER.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the privilege, 

~Kate 

[Our trip to the doctor was for an orthopedic evaluation for her c-shaped foot.  The doctor said this was caused due to her position in her mother's uterus.  It was another reminder of the woman who carried her.  It was a good report on the foot, most likely, it can be easily corrected.]

One [Beautiful] Year

Dear Addis Nigat,

What a difference a year makes!

 A year ago daddy and I were staying at our agency’s guesthouse in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, getting to know you.

 

Then, just a few days later, we were getting on an airplane with you, our tiny little baby we hardly knew, and bringing you [the 8,000 miles] home with us!   It felt so surreal and unbelievable.

The dream that began three years before was coming true.

You were quiet and snuggly.  You loved your white gauzy blanket, being held, and sucking on your left pointer finger.  The nannies who cared for you described you as a “peaceful” baby.

You were just a feather.  Ten months old and wearing size 3 month clothes.

And now, just a year later, it feels as if you’ve always been with us, a part of us.  

 I believe God answered our prayer and picked you for us.  He put us together and I’m so thankful.  You needed a family and we needed you.  You are a gift.  You bring joy.  Sometimes when you are laughing I close my eyes and think of what a beautiful sound it is and it ministers to my soul…like giant waves. 

I am so thankful for the wonderful privilege of being your mother.

Sometimes I wonder how we will tell you your story or when you will realize you have beautiful brown skin and we don’t.  We will protect your story because it is yours.  It breaks my heart to know the loss you and your family of origin experienced so early in your life.  I pray God gives grace for this grief. 

I wish your biological mother knew how amazing you are.  You are loved.  

 You are thriving.  You are beautiful.  The doctors tell us your progress is “amazing”.   

We have celebrated many milestones this year as you have learned to sit, crawl, stand, walk, laugh, talk, and we’ve experienced so many firsts with you.

 

You love books but insist we read your favorites.   Daddy and I have memorized quite a few as a result.
[The Eye Book.  The Foot Book.  Five Little Monkeys.  Over In the Meadow.  Brown Bear...] 
 “More”, you say usually before we’ve even finished the last page.
 

You’re not really into toys but you love emptying the Tupperware cupboard, brushing your teeth, climbing, going outside [you are usually looking for a duck], and have a few random items you like to put in your “pack pack”.   You like wearing things around your neck…necklaces, scarves, medals, or dress up clothes.  You like "pretty" things.  I am sorry about the styling of your hair...I'm trying but I don't really have a clue how to manage all your curls.
 

   You are usually very happy but you can throw a serious fit if we don’t give you what you want which is usually a cookie or other sweet food.

April 2011, 10 months                                                                      April 2012, 22 months

You are 22 months old now.  Yes, you are fun.  Busy and noisy.  And did I mention…CUTE?   You are SO cute I could eat you up.  We all love teaching you new words.   Recent favorites you are saying:  
What happened?  Oh, happy day!  Cay have some?  Doduts.  Rumor has it.  Saturday.  Delicious.

I am so thankful for how we have bonded in our first year together.  

I love you so much, my sweet baby girl.  I trust my love for you will show you God’s overwhelming love for you.
 

You are precious.  You are loved.  

You are one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened in my life. 

Love, your mama

[Sunset over Addis Ababa, April 16, 2011.]

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