daily bread

I like listening to jazz or r&b when I cook.  I've had food on my mind this month.  

It was a regular weeknight, when we didn't send the kids to bed at their usual bedtime, instead we waited together for a pan of blueberry crisp to come out of the oven.  Then at 10 pm I lined up 5 plates, dished up the warm goodness, and scooped vanilla bean ice cream on top.  As we sat around the table, all unanimously voting we liked the crisp, it hit me- this is a happy moment.  

I was so happy and it was more meaningful because this winter has also had its low moments.  That hit me too. When we went to the movie Frozen, as a family, and I cried so hard I left with a headache.  Mostly because I was trying to stop myself from being the slobbering mess I was.  Wow, I guess I needed a good cry.  Sheesh.  

Someone I love told me, sometimes it doesn't matter how we feel we just need to do what we know we should. I will cook.  

In neediness, I want to make soup.  Soup and more soup.  I made chicken chili until I thought I better lay off the recipe or we'd be chicken chili'd out for good.  Pumpkin soup, minestrone, lentil soup.  Soup because it's winter and we're cold.  Soup because I'm sad and soup is comforting.  Soup because it's healthy and nourishes us.  I want to feed and nurture. 

This month, I felt God whispering to my heart the reminder that I need daily bread.  He'll give it to me on a day-by-day basis and I need to come back again tomorrow.  

I'm thankful for tomorrows, for daily bread, the opportunity to cook and invite people to come to my table.  

I'm hungry.  Tomorrow's dinner menu is chicken curry.  

Let Me See Redemption Win

"I'm tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
 
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
 
My prayers are wearing thin
Ya I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Ya I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption wins
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Ya I'm worn

[Worn- Tenth Avenue North]

growing apples

I'm thinking of change and what motivates us.  I have been talking to our 10 year old daughter about friendship and manners.  When people talk to her or ask her a question, she should answer them.  Be friendly and engage in conversation.  It's like throwing a ball, I'll say.  She says something to them- that's throwing the ball.  They respond- that's them throwing the ball back. And on it goes in a conversation.  She'll do what I ask, usually, when I am watching her.  But the other day I asked, do you "throw the ball" when I'm not around?  

Here's the thing, and maybe it's harder for me than for you.  I'm of the personality type that looks for results.  I tend to focus on the outside.  When I think of needing to change myself, my tendency is to start with what I can do. I make the list.  Set a goal.  Do things that will help me.  A new habit. New effort. New challenge.  And all of that can be good and helpful.  But it can really fall flat.  What if it's not about me and my efforts?  

You see, my daughter can do what I've asked because I've pounded into her the demand she should do x,y,z. But how much better when I see it's her desire to be a friendly, kind girl and smile and talk with others? When genuine love for others is motivating her.  I read a great illustration (from here) this week and I keep thinking of it...

"Fruit is born from the inside -- not applied to the outside.

Imagine that the fruit you desired was the edible variety, so you went out into your yard and planted an apple tree. Just suppose that one day, while you were waiting for the apples to begin growing on your tree, you caught a glimpse of a neighbor's apple tree. You noticed in admiration that its branches were laden with big, luscious apples. What would you do? Would you run to the produce market to buy some apples, then go home, and in the dead of night, tie them onto your tree? If you did, the sight of your tree might really impress your neighbors. But that is not what you would do. You would likely go to the neighbor and ask how he cared for and fertilized his tree to produce such fruit. It is the same with our children - luscious fruit will be born from what we put into them - not from what we tie onto them. As a matter of fact, in no time, the fruit that we put onto our children will rot and fall off."

There's a better way than tying fruit onto myself or my children.  I want to grow real fruit and that's only going to happen if I'm connected to Christ.  I need His work in me.  I'm opening myself to Him and asking Him to change me from the inside instead of getting tripped up by the temptation to focus on the outward form.  Christ resides in me and will infuse life in me. That's when good, sweet fruit will come.   

 

spinning ballerina

"Make Me your focal point as you move through this day.  Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to Me.  Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you.  The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes.  If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused.  Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure."  [from Jesus Calling]

Sandals waiting

When I look out our living room window I see banks of snow.

When I look out our back windows I see a yard full of snow.

But if I go outside and look closer I can see tulips and daffodils popping up through the snow.

I was thinking about how we see things differently depending on our perspective.

Yes, the snow exists.  But if I look past all the piles of snow I can see signs of spring.

In my own life, I won't deny there are parts of my life that have been stuck in [perpetual] winter. There are times when winter seems so desperately long [especially when we lived in northern Minnesota].  The hope of spring had a deeper meaning.  I felt like a survivor after making it another long, cold winter.  

But spring always came.  It will always come.  Sometimes it doesn't feel true.  Still, it is.  Similarly, there are things we hold out hope for.  And the "winters" are long.  The seasons of holding on to hope are long.  Maybe days pass, or weeks, sometimes years or even decades.  It feels like we can't hang on any longer.  Often we feel like banging our head against the wall.  We see no sign of spring. We see more snow and forecasts of more snow.  We don't think we can shovel anymore.

My kids asked how they could help to bring spring here faster.  They asked if it would help if they spread out the snow so it melts faster.  I can relate to the feeling.  It's as if I want to bring a blow dryer out into my back yard.  The absurdity is true but yet the feeling is true.  We have had enough.  
Yet there is nothing we can do to make spring come faster.  We wait.  It will come.  In my life, this has been a season where "spring" is coming into my heart and life.  I have seen things come that have been long hoped for.  I celebrate the long anticipated new life, the "spring".  Winter is letting go...and warmth and growth and life are replacing it.  Maybe it's that much sweeter when the wait has been long.  

We see the thermometer says 40 degrees.  Here in Wisconsin, it appears, it's reason to celebrate. People are outside, dressed with remarkably light clothing, and unusually happy.  You would think it was actually warm out today.  We know it's true...spring is near.  It's just a matter of time.

In our family, we are still wearing jackets and boots outside but inside we've got sandals waiting. We're ready.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul, 

and sings the song without the words and never stops at all."
~Emily Dickinson~

pass the dramamine

I've been blogging for over a year.  I had a few reasons for starting to blog.  First, I love to write.  I thought it would be a good outlet for me especially after our move.  It was a way for me to reach out beyond my introverted ways and hopefully connect.  I hoped it would be a way for me to document our life, encourage me to take pictures, and help me to remember life's moments.  I also hoped it would be enjoyable for others to read and that they would find it encouraging rather than full of endless photos of my kids.  

Yesterday was a day to document in our lives.  The Mr. and I had a date on the calendar five days in advance. This was not an ordinary day.  It was time for a conversation to take place.  And so it did.  

We drove to Milwaukee and had dinner at a restaurant [Swig] in the historical district, the Third Ward.  Dinner out is a big deal for us.  We've increased our dating average since our move, so progress is good, but as far as a real legitimate dinner date [not including shopping dates, going out with friends or attending church events] I think we're at about 3 times a year.  

Last night was one of our real dates.  You know, a look me in the eyes, eat delish food, and talk and laugh together.  It felt good.  

We talked about our future.  It has been quite a [no one word could describe it] time.  A "You've got to be kidding, God"  kind of year.  It seems He isn't kidding but He does have a great sense of humor.  I'm not sure if irony is the right word choice but I think it's close to ironic.  The great thing to me is this....I don't know how it is going to work out, yet there is good in the process. We can grow in the waiting.  God has good things in store for us whatever the outcome.  God is good.  Maybe in the growing pains, waiting, and trusting, we see with more clarity how very good He is.  

I'm scared.  But I believe God is calling me to faith and courage.  I can trust Him.  If I had allowed fear to talk me out of previous decisions we never would have had kids, taken new jobs, ministries, or moved, and we definitely wouldn't have adopted our youngest child.  I don't know how it's going to turn out.  I don't control the outcome.  But I'm asked to take the leap of faith.  I've said it many times...having children felt like jumping off a cliff to me...jumping into the unknown.  Some decisions feel like boarding an airplane.  I do not like flying...at all.  But I'm glad I've gotten on the airplane...or I would have missed adventures [like Africa].  It's time to board the airplane. [Pass the dramamine].

So, here I am documenting the latest chapter in our journey.  My February 22 devos read:  "Wait.  It is not for you to know.  All you are told is to wait and see what God does.  All of His work is done on His initiative and He takes time to prepare us for it." 

On January 22 I read this verse, "That clinches it- help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out."  [Psalm 20:6, msg] and I wrote this.

I heard this song for the first time yesterday and it was the perfect song for my day.  

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

[x6]

I will call upon Your Name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

God is here

I'm not sure what God is doing.  I saw things playing out quite differently.  

Asking God what He is doing scares me.  Am I ready for the answer?

It's not clear to me.  It feels like walking down a dark hallway.  God is patient with me.  He says..."It's ok your heart is pounding fast and you don't know where we are going.  Shhh.  Take My hand.  Trust me.  I'll take good care of you."  

On Saturday, thoughts were buzzing around in my head, me trying to sort it out and internally I said..."God, talk to me, here."  

Quieting my heart, I picked up a little Bible and opened it to Psalm 20 and read this...  

"That clinches it- help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out." [Psalm 20:6, msg]

He is here.  I'm letting go and holding on.  

twenty thirteen

I'm not writing goals for this year.  I want to write goals so I can have a plan, so things are measurable, so I can feel like I've done a good job.  But enough of my constantly doing.  I'm taking the year off.  

This year I want fresh air.  I want deep cleansing breaths.  I need daily bread.  

I was thinking health as the word for this year.  I want to be healthy.  

I'm not thinking of a specific thing that needs healing.  Sometimes though, when we've had a previous injury, maybe it was a long time ago, yet because it hurt, we adapted, we compensated, maybe we picked up a new way of walking.  Or living.  But the pain is long gone and yet we're still walking with the limp.  It's become what we do.  
This year, I hope I leave behind the limps I've picked up along life's journeys and simply run.  

My prayer is that my lungs are filled with fresh air.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.  I'm asking for daily bread in every area of life.  I plan to feed my soul.  And come back again tomorrow to do it again.  Deep drinking from God, the source of my life.  [I printed this Bible reading plan, as a start.]

Breathe in life.  Exhale life.  So that I am truly living and welcoming life into everything around me.  Maybe I'll even be surprised at the end of the year that goals were reached in a free, flowing, surprisingly good way.  

Intensive Care

If it's a little quiet on my blog, it's because I've been at a loss on what to post.  I could post about how I love my dad's black bean salsa recipe or show you my most recent thrift find but my head's not in it.  I could tell you I was offered the part time job and I ended up saying no. 

Four weeks ago life brought a shock and I'm still shaking.  It's as if I saw a car wreck up close.  I wasn't in the accident but it impacts me.  Emotionally speaking, there are people in intensive care.  It's just too much.  

I can't write about it and I also need to think about something else.  Not to diminish the gravity of the situation but to release the burden and continue on.

I'm good.  Looking to God.  Doing the next thing.  Asking Him to help.  Hopeful.  

I remember being in an emotional intensive care in my own life.  The pain so great I wondered how it would ever heal.  During that time, 13 years ago, a wise and kind friend told me that I wouldn't be in the intensive care forever.  She said, I would slowly heal.  I'd move to my own room in the hospital.  In time, I'd gain strength and the pain would lessen.  Eventually, I would start physical therapy.  Then there would come a day when I would be released from the hospital and I would go home.  The word picture really grabbed me.  

It came true.  I am home.  Celebrating God's work in my life and so overwhelmingly thankful for the beauty, healing, and genuine life He brings.  

Life is all around me and I don't want to miss it.  Last week we had teacher-parent conferences and Jude's kindergarten teacher said he has a wonderful imagination.  It's so true.  He brought these two creations of his home today from school.  Left=crab. Right=giraffe.  I'm one proud mama.  

Now that I've written this, next, I may be able to write about my insanity with my clothing fast, the salsa recipe, or how attractive my husband is when he is reading books.  Or maybe something entirely different like my daughter's "human growth and development" class.  Yep.  

Linking up with Just Write.

Into His Arms

One thing I love in my relationship with God [especially in significant times in my life] is how He brings multiple things into my life, from many sources, to communicate a message to me.  I love words and He sends me the part of His Word perfectly suited to what is going on inside of me.  It's amazing because it's the same message breaking into my life.  It all has the same theme.  It's as if everywhere I go I hear the same song.  There it is again.  There it is again.  I can't escape the song.  

This week is yet another example of this.  

God is ministering and reminding He is close.

Today's, [October 1] scripture reading:

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel...Whom have I in heaven but you?...My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever...But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Lord my refuge."  [from Psalm 73]

I continued reading with this: 

"Gaze intently with the eye of faith at the infinite wisdom and unlimited power of God, to whom nothing is impossible or difficult, and consider that His goodness is unbounded, and unspeakable His willingness to give, hour by hour, and moment by moment, all things needed for the spiritual life, if we will throw ourselves with confidence into His arms." 

Linking up with Grace Laced.

Rest?

I've been flying solo this week.  [The Mr. comes home tomorrow from an eight day trip.]  I have much [much] more admiration for single parents every time he's away. 

I felt quite courageous today taking the three honeys grocery shopping with me.  We did get quite a few interesting looks in the store.  This makes me a little paranoid because I'm wondering what people are thinking. [I think it's normal for kids to want to touch everything and to be unaware of people around them?]

Our toddler is loud and doesn't want to ride in the cart.  I reverted to giving her a sucker recently and that was brilliant.  This time I brought her green mardi gras beads.  I should go back to the sucker idea.  My mantra is evolving, currently it's something like "whatever it takes". 

A few people smile at us but quite a few look like they will jump out of our path.  [I hope my face doesn't look angry].  I was on a mission to get the goods and get out.  And we did.

[This was right after my elementary aged daughter saw a store sign that read "family planning".  She was quite insistent we needed to go over and check it out because "we need planning for our family".  She is so my daughter.]

I love beautiful words and I read these yesterday.  

"Bask in the sunshine of His love. 

Drink in the waters of His goodness.

Keep your face upturned to Him.

You need make no efforts to grow.

But let your efforts be all concentrated on this, 

You abide in Him." [H.W.S]

Yes and yes.  I read it again.  It sounds so amazing and yet feels so difficult.  It reminded me of yoga class last week when the teacher concluded with a few minutes of relaxation.  As we laid on our backs, our eyes closed, bodies relaxed, her words rang in my head... "There is nothing that needs doing.  Nothing that needs undoing."  Inside my head I was saying...yes and yes.  Making no efforts.  No striving.  Just resting.  Beautiful rest. 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  [Matthew 11- the Message].

Resting.  

Kate

The Earth Laughs in Flowers

I have a window above my kitchen sink.  The view was mostly of the side of our neighbor's garage.  Then the last few weeks, all along the garage, flowers are blooming.  

I love the view.  The flowers aren't noticeable [to others] because of their location.  

Today I thought what a happy view through my window.  I felt like the roses were put there just for me to enjoy.  Facing me.  Thank You, God...You know me.  I see the beauty.    

  

  

 

 

  

 "The earth laughs in flowers."  E.E. Cummings

~Kate

Hang On

Ever feel like this? 

Sock Monkey joined our family last fall to bring a smile to Grace when she was really sick with a virus.  [She ran a high fever for 21 days straight.]  It was one of those hang on, weary times.  Since then Sock Monkey has been carried, thrown, dropped, and dragged around.  He has not become one of the kids' favorite "stuffies" so, at the end of the day, I often find him in odd places but usually not snuggled in bed with one of the kids.  

Ever feel like you need strength to hang in there?  

The sprint has turned into a marathon and the marathon into an ultra marathon [there are crazy people who run more than 26 miles!].  This is completely metaphorically speaking, of course, because I don't actually run.  At all.  It would be a lot easier to "run" in life if I wasn't carrying so much luggage.  Luggage I'm pretty sure I have determined not to pack up and bring with me anymore.  Luggage I don't even like.  You know, when you're at the airport...it's that ugly luggage you'd be embarrassed to carry around.  Maybe it's 1960's green...and it probably has a good amount of duct tape around it to keep it together.  Come to think of it, I'm not even sure it's my luggage anymore.  I'd probably advance a lot more in the race too if I wasn't running around the same old block for the millionth time.  "Gosh, I've been here before.  This is awfully familiar..."  

 

 I like this quote:  “When the scale of trials is light, the scale of comfort will be light as well, but when the scale of trials is full, the scale of comfort will be equally as heavy.   When the clouds are the darkest, God’s light is more brightly revealed.  Trials make more room for comfort.” [Spurgeon]

"Trials make more room for comfort".  When Grace was so sick, it was awful to watch her suffer but it was [especially] sweet being with her.  Sometimes in these moments, although hard, life gets simpler.  Other things don't matter quite so much.  We see the good things more clearly.  And we realize...we really are thankful, 

~Kate   

Linking up with GraceLaced Mondays, The Better Mom

Awake

Where do you see God in your everyday life?  I'm finding Him in the new life of spring. 

 The daffodils are a visual reminder of how God can bring hope, beauty, and life.  Where just a few weeks ago I saw only a snow bank, completely unaware of what was waiting there, now the same spot has come alive with daffodils, tulips, and the beginning of hostas.  New life is coming.  New life is here!  The dead parts of me, He can bring to life.  He can make things new.

~Kate 
 

I've also been loving this song... 

I’m linking up with this week’s Found: a photography challenge on Beautifully Rooted.

Nothing I Can Do

I realize there is nothing I can do to right certain things.  As much as I might want something…it eludes me.  It’s difficult living with hope and disappointment.  The wait for resolution is long.  No amount of kicking or screaming is going to make it happen.  I am powerless.  I can’t take care of it and I can’t make it better.  No amount of desire or even my best efforts will change things.  

In these moments, I have to trust God.  I have to leave it to Him.  I can’t fix it and I admit it.  I choose to hope and believe for things I do not currently see.  I choose to do the next thing.  It’s all I can do. I will keep moving forward.  I am asking God for help and strength.  I need Him.
  

 ~Kate 

 

“Anything God has ever done, He can do now.  Anything that God has done anywhere else, He can do here.  Anything that God has done for anyone else, He can do for you.”  [A.W. Tozer]

This Is Not the End

There was a horrific car accident involving nine teenage girls in our area on Saturday.  Three of the girls were killed and the other six injured.  Tonight our church is having an evening of music and prayer for the victims and their families.   As a parent, thinking about this loss, for these families, makes my chest so heavy.  Even to imagine getting the call, early in the morning, with the news of your child's death. 

It's too much.  God, help.  For so many who are suffering now, bring Your help.  

I pray people will find Your strength in their pain and most of all Your love and compassion. 

Suffering is one of the hardest things for me to understand and reconcile in my faith.  

But I know God is good.  He loves all He has made.  
I believe suffering breaks His heart too. 

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  

The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made."  (Psalm 145) 

 I believe there is a place where there will be no more suffering and no more pain.  Heaven will bring healing for all the loss, pain, and suffering we face in this earthly life.  This is not the end. 

~Kate