Getting Rid of the Crib

I have baby clothes hanging to dry in the basement.  I'm passing them on to my sister's new baby girl who arrived at Christmas.  

Opening the totes of little dresses, I'm thrown into thoughts of sweet babies.

The Mr. and I have been on the topic for awhile now.  Nearly every week someone asks us if we are "done".  I think this is the stage of life where people are having the conversation.  Many of our peers are getting rid of the cribs.  When it comes up, I've heard it said, "Oh, yeah, we're done...we've gotten rid of the crib."  As if getting rid of the crib makes it concrete/irreversible/permanent.  Maybe it is the symbol.

Well, we don't have a crib.  But that certainly wouldn't stop me.

My husband tells me that once you have 3 kids you're at a level where 4 doesn't really seem like much more.  I'm not sure I'm convinced but I do love his optimism [usually].  

I'm 35 and my husband is 38.  The other day someone said that I'm nearly 40.  My husband, maybe, but me, no.  I'm closer to 30 than 40.  

With our three kids...I could picture another child.  This time I can't quite visualize baby #4.  It's quite foggy.  

I'm not ready to say we are done.  I'm also not ready to jump off the cliff.  

Then the next question...Biological?  Adoption?  People sometimes say, adoption must be easier. Pregnancy and childbirth [read about our firstborn's birth here] were challenging but, in some ways, adoption was even more.  

We'd be more likely to adopt again than get pregnant.  I'm not sure it will ever happen but I can't bring myself to say it's all over.  Let's just stay in limbo awhile longer.  

Linking up with Just Write.

a little girl

I read these sweet song lyrics today.  True and worth remembering.  

Her mama bought her a hopechest
To keep her dreams inside
All the precious memories
Little things she's like to hide
A magic wand, an old rag doll
Some plastic pearls 'cause after all

A little girl is only a little girl so long
And tender hearts need their stars to wish upon
'Cause one day you will turn around and she'll be gone
A little girl is only a little girl so long

One day when she got home from school
She slipped a little note 
Beneath the tattered lining
And here is what he wrote
"Roses are red, violets are blue" 
"Put an X in the box if you like me too"
A little girl is only a little girl so long
And tender hearts need their stars to wish upon
'Cause one day you will turn around and she'll be gone
A little girl is only a little girl so long

They married in the garden on a perfect July day
In a horse and carriage they waved and rode away
Mama went inside to put away her wedding dress
And spotted a letter lying on the old hopechest

It said...

A little girl is only a little girl so long
Your lonely heart might need a star to wish upon
So look inside once in a while to bring the memories home
A little girl is only a little girl
And I will always be your little girl
So long...

~S. Bentley~

to Luna

Praise be, the UPS man arrived today, unexpectedly, with the repaired camera [I've missed it over the last four months]!  Grace and Jude were at school but I snapped a few of our Addie girl [now 2 1/2 years old].  

We've been spending a lot of time together....her and I.  We had a guest pastor in town a week ago and he used the phrase "blue sky days" and reminded us to treasure them.  I do.   

I need God's help to be the mother each of my kids need.  Every day seems to bring something new.  There are good days and then there are...other days.

Today Addie ran into her bedroom door.  I heard her scream and I knew is was the "she's hurt" cry.  I ran to her and she ran away from me.  She was desperate for her blanket, which she grabbed, started sucking her finger and laid on the floor.  It reminded me of how she learned to soothe herself.  I noted how different that response was from my older two [biological kids] who would run to me when they were hurt. 

She's still learning what it's like to have a mother.   A mother who responds when she cries.  A mother who touches her.  Today I was struck with the reality of children who cry and no one responds.  Babies who are not receiving the touch of a mother, or a caregiver.  

Addie is on and off with me.  She is on and off in life, with a quick switch from sweet to blazing mad.   

She's smart as a whip.  I tell her "I love you to the moon" and she replies..."No, to LUNA".  This is a result of her obsession with her Spanish speaking tv-friends, Diego and Dora.  She is also great at giving me compliments when she is in trouble.  She'll say things like "I like it when you smile" or "You have pretty hair, mama".  

And a few minutes later she'll throw a fit because I put her drink in the wrong colored cup.  Or because I turned off Diego.  And I tell her I love her everyday.  And I do.  All the way to Luna.  

God is here

I'm not sure what God is doing.  I saw things playing out quite differently.  

Asking God what He is doing scares me.  Am I ready for the answer?

It's not clear to me.  It feels like walking down a dark hallway.  God is patient with me.  He says..."It's ok your heart is pounding fast and you don't know where we are going.  Shhh.  Take My hand.  Trust me.  I'll take good care of you."  

On Saturday, thoughts were buzzing around in my head, me trying to sort it out and internally I said..."God, talk to me, here."  

Quieting my heart, I picked up a little Bible and opened it to Psalm 20 and read this...  

"That clinches it- help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out." [Psalm 20:6, msg]

He is here.  I'm letting go and holding on.  

Sleep Issues

Our toddler doesn't sleep the night.  She is 2 1/2 years old.  I've been pretty relaxed about it, thinking it will pass.  But it isn't.  She falls asleep about 9 pm in her own bed.  Like clockwork she wakes up every night about 4 am.  Sometimes 3 am.    

I don't know what wakes her up?  [It seems she isn't scared when she wakes up but what scares her is getting up in the dark].  The routine is she then runs from her bed to our bed screaming which freaks me out.  My husband and I have then been scooping her up and letting her sleep between us. Not really that much sleeping actually.  At least not for her or my husband.  I can sleep through A LOT.  She wiggles, kicks, and sucks her finger.  I must say he is the nighttime hero parent and I am the one who deserves a lecture and his wrath [which he doesn't give me].  

We've [he's] been giving her a bottle of milk [at 4 am].  Which I know she doesn't "need" but it is a comfort thing for her.  She's also old for a bottle but we've got our reasons for giving it to her. 

1.  She loves it and we cave to her demands at 4 am.  2.  She never had a bottle until she was 10 months old.  3.  Her tongue was almost always sticking out of her mouth her first year of life, partly due to poor muscle tone [sucking a bottle, among other things, helped].

photo on the day we arrived home~ Addis was 10 months

It's interesting how we evolve as parents.  Our firstborn never slept in our bed unless she was sick. Our son either.  Our bed was off-limits.  

The 4 am thing is getting old.  Are her sleeping issues related to her adoption?  I know the beginning of her life included neglect.  Add loss, change, moderate malnutrition, failure to thrive, developmental delays...these traumas must have an effect.  What do those effects look like now?  

Another mother in our adoption travel group has blogged about their daughter's sleep issues here and here.  It's helpful to know you're not alone.  

Sometimes I wonder if Addie has some sensitivity to sensory things and it causes anxiety?  Maybe it's just her personality?  Our son, when he was a toddler, liked to take a napkin and wipe his lips after every bite of food.  That's weird.  Particular, we'd say.  

Addie is particular too about certain things.  She throws a fit if a bit of oatmeal lands on her hand. She also doesn't want to see the bottom of the bowl when she is eating her oatmeal.  She will take her spoon and smooth it over again and again so she doesn't have to see the bottom.  She is done eating when it gets close to the bottom.    

So, we sort through how to parent her.  She is sweet and then sour.  Loud.  Is she being naughty or is she scared?  Her demands and tantrums...is this typical 2 year old behavior or is it something else?  
I have no idea.  

Stretchy Pants & Bigger Bras

I've hit a low point in my year long clothing fast.  It's been five months.  My jeans don't fit.  I've gained a few pounds.  Maybe 8 lbs.  Which is fine with me since I've been on, what seems to be, a life-long pursuit of gaining weight.  One thing I liked about being pregnant was I looked healthy and filled out.  So, anyway, last night I did try on jeans at the Gap.  I left quite dejected and wondered if I have a weird shape.  There were lots of options and cuts and I'm not sure what I'm looking for?  
Who am I?  Skinny?  Curvy? Long & Lean? Super Skinny?  Real Straight?  Sexy boyfriend?  Skinny Boot?  Original? 

via

I fumbled through it with the sales person as I asked for help....which I never do.  I'm tall...I tell her [Obviously].  Looking for a straight cut that would work with my shape.  She said I could try the "curvy" because that doesn't mean what you'd think it means [Ok?].   The pair that worked best for me, fit great except they gaped at the small of my back.  Don't know what that means?  I think it might have to do with my buns.  I couldn't fit into the smaller size.  After this, the Gap employee said I must be an "irregular" size.  At which point I just wished my sister was with me to help me find a pair of jeans.  

Of course, I told my sister about the whole experience and she said I should probably get pregnant and move into maternity pants.  

Pregnancy, ah, yes, the memories...of stretchy pants and bigger bras.  

Linking up with Just Write.

self expression and paint

I did a little painting on Saturday.  The girls' bedroom ceiling was dingy and had some previous touch up spots that were bright.  Grace requested light blue so it would look like a sky.  So it is.  

I am trying to allow her personal self-expression.  

The other day she was leaving for school and I asked my husband if I should say anything about her outfit.  Nah.  This day it was red leggings, a gray & pink striped character t-shirt with words, and a cream, floral, lace scarf.  Speaking of self-expression, Addie's latest is saying "I'm angry" and then she growls a very wicked sounding growl.  

  

Anyways, I've digressed.  Back to the painting...the ceiling color was in the off-white section [Behr's Waterfall Mist]. The walls were already a light pink [Behr's Silk Sheets].   I would take a picture but our camera is still at Nikon for repair.  It's been months.  Nikon is now a bad word in our house.  I'm angry.  [insert a very wicked sounding growl].

Books & Pretty Tunes

I'm listening to music.  It's usually Pandora.  I love how you can pick a station/artist you like and it finds similar music.  Speaking of artists I like, I've always loved my brother's music.  He sings, plays guitar & piano...but what I love most is he writes his own music.  I'm a words person and his lyrics are solid, deep, poetic.  Here's his most recent song that he co-wrote with his lovely wife, Amy.  

January is also the best month for reading.  I'm almost obsessive-compulsive checking my email to see if any of the books I've requested are available for pick-up.  I love the library.  I'm currently first in queue for Young House Love's book and this book by Anne Lamott.  I already have a stack on my side table including one titled Clean Food, The Ragamuffin Gospel, and a few novels including The Last Runaway [which I haven't started yet].  Please drop a comment on any of your book recommendations.  There's a good chance I'll be at the library tomorrow.  

twenty thirteen

I'm not writing goals for this year.  I want to write goals so I can have a plan, so things are measurable, so I can feel like I've done a good job.  But enough of my constantly doing.  I'm taking the year off.  

This year I want fresh air.  I want deep cleansing breaths.  I need daily bread.  

I was thinking health as the word for this year.  I want to be healthy.  

I'm not thinking of a specific thing that needs healing.  Sometimes though, when we've had a previous injury, maybe it was a long time ago, yet because it hurt, we adapted, we compensated, maybe we picked up a new way of walking.  Or living.  But the pain is long gone and yet we're still walking with the limp.  It's become what we do.  
This year, I hope I leave behind the limps I've picked up along life's journeys and simply run.  

My prayer is that my lungs are filled with fresh air.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.  I'm asking for daily bread in every area of life.  I plan to feed my soul.  And come back again tomorrow to do it again.  Deep drinking from God, the source of my life.  [I printed this Bible reading plan, as a start.]

Breathe in life.  Exhale life.  So that I am truly living and welcoming life into everything around me.  Maybe I'll even be surprised at the end of the year that goals were reached in a free, flowing, surprisingly good way.  

Vanilla Cupcakes

It's going to be a great new year.

I sit and think about this as I finish the last cupcake in the house.  Yesterday I did a bit of shopping including more cute cupcake liners, sprinkles, gumballs, and a harmonica.  Like I said, it's going to be a great year.  

Back to the cupcakes...if you are in need of a recipe this one is my current fave: 
The Pioneer Woman's Vanilla Cupcakes w/ Vanilla Cream Cheese Icing.

photo via Pioneer Woman